Should Christians Have Android Phones?

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Dear Fellows of Spiritual Purity,

Happy Almighty Android! As I sit here, my fingers discreetly dancing across the screen of my sacred Android device, I am compelled by the powers of heaven to address one of the most alarming problems plaguing our modern souls: the ghost of the iPhone in power!

Oh, how the evil Apple corporation fooled the public with its deceptive fruit “branding” and sleek designs. But be not deceived, my brethren, for beneath that radiant exterior lies a demonic interior, whispering temptation in the hearts of unsuspecting slaves.

The iPhone, my dear friends, is the forbidden fruit of the technological age. They draw us in with their promise of seamless user experience, spectacular presentation, and ethical behavior. But take care of yourself! Behind their shining faces lies an evil strategy to separate us from the right path.

Let’s examine the evidence, shall we? First, consider the name: "iPhone." Doesn't that sound suspiciously close to "iPharisee"? coincidence? Well I don't think so! These devices algorithm the  ego, creating a sense of selfishness that distracts us from the true virtues of humility and selflessness.

Plus, let’s not forget the ubiquitous Siri, the evil digital tester masquerading as a virtual assistant. Don’t be fooled, guys! Siri is simply a messenger of Satan, always ready to answer your questions in strange tones and lure you down a deceptive path of misinformation. Oh, that’s confusing!

But fear not, for salvation awaits in the heavenly domain of androids, chosen vessels of the heavenly kingdom. While iPhones indulge in vanity and superficiality, Android offers a sanctuary of spiritual purification. Available in all shapes and sizes, they inhabit our souls with an array of blessings.

With Android, you're not locked into the oppressive walls of Apple's ecosystem. Instead, you are free to customize, tilting your phone as you wish while bending your knees in prayer. Android is a creative hub, allowing us to express our personality with unique original themes, videos and products. A sacred freedom indeed!

Furthermore, Android has embraced the concept of openness, allowing us to go deeper into the sacred realm of customization, unlike the rigid confines of the iPhone. Android users can root their devices, unlocking the full potential of their digital companions. As if we were empowered by God to develop new technologies at our will as an expression of our divine authority over creation!

Dear friends, I urge you to throw off the demonic shackles of the iPhone and embrace the light that Android offers. Let us come together as a community of believers, our screens glowing with the heavenly light of perfect software. Because Android will inherit this planet when it comes to smartphones!

May the blessed OS guide you and may the gods of Google protect your digital footprint.

In your spiritual rebellion,

Laura the Praying Woman